Rain Boots and Early Spring

This morning I pulled on my coat  as I got ready to head to the mailbox . I was expecting the cold and instead I was happily greeted by warm air that smelled of springtime. The light breeze was sweetness, and the sun was shining, which hasn’t happened for days now.  I put a letter in the box and was distracted by the sound of rushing water, so I headed toward the creek to see how high it was from this mornings storm. There was water dancing along down the road beside me, making its way toward the stream. I was enticed. I did have my rain boots on, and what’s the point of wearing them if you’re not going to get them wet. I stepped into the sparking water, and tromped along, feeling 6 years old again.This moment was way too much fun to enjoy alone.  I had to get the kids. They were at the kitchen table doing their schoolwork and coloring.  ”Break time!!! Get your boots and hoodies on quickly?”. Excited eyes. They followed me, ducks in a row, happy giggles, moments of silence to listen to the squishy sounds under our feet. They were probably in complete shock that mama was letting them walk through the mud and splash in puddles. They spent the next long while splashing up and down  the rain-water stream, making “chocolate milk”,  pants soaked, boots full of water….completely thrilled. Sweet memories in the making here.

So very much to be thankful for today, and everyday, as always…..

An Update

So….For anyone who is interested in what’s been going on around here. We are definitely in the thick of it. We have gotten so much accomplished, but still have so far to go. By the gracious giving of our church, our friends and family, we were able to put some wood on the floor downstairs. It’s tough wood to work with,  filled with knot holes and cracks and uneven places, but it will have some real “character” when it’s finished. There’s a perfect analogy for our lives right there….. We are so grateful to have had the help of my brothers and dad. Man, it’s a blessing to have carpenters in the family….  All of the “moldy things” have been removed from the living space of our home, so we hope, and we’re using HEPA filters to catch any spores that may have escaped. There is one ominous cloud hanging over in the form of the off season closet. I will have to get in there at some point and pull everything out and go through it all, keeping the sentimental stuff I absolutely cannot part with, and throwing out the rest. Sounds like a good spring project.

So, that’s where we are on the house….where are we with our health? I am still struggling with many symptoms, but since we moved all the junk out I have felt  more clear-headed. If I could choose which symptom to get rid of first, it would be the brain fog, so it is an incredible blessing to see some healing here. Weakness continues, but I am learning to be grateful for the strength to do what I must. That’s more than enough anyway…. As far as the kids go, we have seen many improvements. Attitudes are better.   Elliotte is much more graceful now. She used to bumble around, bumping into walls and tripping over things or even over nothing and falling onto her face. She has the brown tooth in front to prove it. This was a constant issue with her. Over Christmas she had a clumsy moment, and Richard and I both noticed that it had been a long time since she had fallen for no good reason. She is also more responsive and clear headed as well. There have been many other positive changes that we have noticed and are SO grateful for.

We have been slowly transitioning to “natural” living, as far as what we eat, hair and body care, cleaning products,  etc…As for the latter, we only clean with vinegar these days. It was a little weird at first, and I wasn’t crazy about the smell, but I don’t mind it at all now. It brings peace of mind, and that goes a long way around here. The kids can even use it to clean the bathrooms or whatever. Plus,  I don’t have to freak out whenever Silas climbs under the kitchen sink and goes through my cleaning basket. There’s no longer anything toxic there, so no worries. Also, something I’ve learned. Pesticides are horrendous. We used them a lot in our old house to get rid of ants and roaches (frightening I know, but I think they just come with 100 year old urban houses).  I know insects are gross when they’re in the house, but seriously, would we really rather have harmful chemicals that we’re breathing in and absorbing through our skin???  The more I learn about all this, the more I am completely fascinated how ignorant/naive I’ve been about….well….everything. What will I think of myself in another year?  It’s a humbling thought…. I can only hope that I will keep learning and growing.

As far as food goes, that’s a story and a half. We have been slowing moving toward living organic, but it has been difficult. It’s just so expensive for our budget. Thankfully, I have gotten some great advice from my sweet sister-in-law Alyssa (thanks ‘Lyssa!) on how to save money while eating more healthily. It will also help when we get our garden in the ground. We are currently gearing up to begin a LONG cleansing diet. It will change our lives in many ways, but hopefully all positive ones. Si and I will start on February 1st and the rest will start the following month. I could be as long as 2 years to work through this (I’m aware of how crazy this sounds), but hopefully only around one. The diet itself doesn’t frighten me too much, but it’s going to be inconvenient.  For example, if someone invites us over for dinner, we’ll have to bring our own. Yikes. That just sounds offensive.  However, we have total peace about it. I want to write more about this said diet, but not today. It needs a post of it’s own.

We would be ever so grateful if you would continue to pray for us as we are on this road to healing. It’s probably going to get hard as we begin the detoxing process. Thank you….Oh, and I do realize that this post is especially scattered….Forgive me.

New Beginnings…and so forth

A few minutes ago, I sat on my bed nursing my young son, holding him so close, trying to savor every bit of  that moment; the way his tiny hand wraps tightly around my finger, the way his sleepy eyes look adoringly up into mine, the peacefulness as he drifts off to sleep. I love this part of motherhood. There is nothing that quite compares to a sleeping  child in your arms. It is in the heights of sweetness.

I laid Silas in his bed, he curled onto his tummy as usual, and I stood beside him thinking….When did he get so old? Is he really ten and a half months old? Why do these precious moments have to fly by so quickly?

Savoring is more difficult than ever. The way this sickness affects me mentally makes it harder. As I said before, everything is surreal. I feel like I’ve lost the last eighteen months; memories are hazy, everything’s unclear. What makes me ache is knowing how quickly my babies grow up. So much changes in a year and a half. I can kick my feet and flail and scream or weep all I want for  the time that I’ve lost, but I can’t get it back. I can’t start it all over,  BUT ….I find hope in knowing that every. day. brings  a new beginning.  Actually, every second of every day. As long as my heart is still beating, there is a chance to live….

Uncharacteristically, I made some New Years resolutions this year. With my healing process begun, I feel like this year is a new beginning for me…and us. So, there are several new goals/desires that I’ve taken on….(Don’t worry, one of them is to not expect too much from myself (especially right now), but to just do my best….

Another one of my “resolutions” is to actually read those books that are on my shelf (the soul-feeding ones), you know, instead of just dusting them every now and then. I’m going to try and read one a month. I realize that doesn’t sound like much, but if you had my brain, you would understand. I started with Ann Voskamp’s One Thousand Gifts. It was the perfect place to begin. (Thanks, Mama, for the book, and all my friends who have recommended it!). In a lot of ways, she has already put what I feel and have felt in the past into words. It makes me wish all the more that I was eloquent, articulate, etc…I just wish I could say two words without stumbling over them….sigh…Anyway, I need a good lesson in thankfulness. Her writing is helping me to see things differently. It is a privilege to care for this little family, in every way…I am telling myself regularly. Especially when doing the mundane, or even gross things, (i.e changing diapers, cleaning floors, wiping noes). What an honor to have four beautiful children and a husband I love more deeply than words can express. There is no room for ingratitude here….

(One of my favorite quotes from the book)

“And yet since we took a bite out of the fruit and tore into our own souls, that drain hole where joy seeps away, God had this wild secretive plan. He means to fill us with glory again. With glory and grace.”

Savor every second today…..and every day….There is much to be grateful for, no matter where we are in life.  We just need to open our eyes and see….

Night Terrors and Vertigo and Small Children

So….I’ve been thinking lately….

(as much as my sad little brain will allow) How has all of this mold business affected our children (and countless others in their own moldy environments)? I read something recently that got my attention. I was reading the testimony of another mom that had been dealing with sickness in her home from toxic mold. I’m paraphrasing here, but she was talking about her kids and said, “Sometimes I wonder how they are really feeling. Maybe they don’t know how bad they’re feeling because they’re so used to feeling this way”. That, to me, is heartbreaking. Our children were pretty much born into mold and other toxins.  So what are my children feeling? What have they grown accustomed to?  What are they constantly dealing with that they just consider normal???

A few nights ago, Gideon had a nightmare. As Richard sat beside him and comforted him, Gideon began to describe his dream, “Daddy, you know when you lay down in bed and the room is spinning around?”  Richard said, “Umm…no, Buddy, but I bet Mama does.” I asked him about it later. When did he feel that way? He said that would happen to him at the “yellow house”, our old house. He spoke of it like it was a regular occurrence. He also mentioned a few months ago that his ears have been ringing for a long time. Yikes!  Vertigo and ringing ears!  What else have they been feeling that they just couldn’t put into words.  A few times Eden, our three year old, would pause in whatever she was doing, put her hand over heart and say, “I feel my heart beeping, Mama”. She did this a couple times when she was still two. Was her heart palpitating or fluttering like mine had been?  Why else would she suddenly notice her heart? She hadn’t been running around, or that would account for it, but just sitting and playing.

And what about this Night Terror issue? For those who have children that regularly wake with nightmares and terrors. What is really going on?  I think this can definitely be a spiritual issue. There’s no way around that. Fear is a definite weapon used by our enemy.  But, another thought, what about the possibility of night terrors being in correlation with toxic environments. Before we moved, getting up at night with one child or another was definitely a regular thing. Some nights we would be up several times, every hour even, or more….We would never have considered mold being the culprit. But….mold affects our brain, nervous system, etc…It affects our sleep patterns. It affects pretty much everything. It makes sense now. Here in our new house, the kids are sleeping more peacefully. Other than Gibbie waking with a nightmare a few days ago, I can’t remember the last time we were up with one of them at night.  When I consider how my own sleep was disrupted by all of this, it makes me wonder all the more what they were going through. I mentioned before that I had horrific nightmares, ones that still shake me today when I think of them.  Now I can’t remember the last nightmare I had….

So, this, as well as many other things lately, has been very eye opening to me. I will definitely be looking into this more.  I’m paying closer attention now. I do NOT want to be so wrapped up in my own sickness that I’m unaware of theirs….

On an encouraging note, we have noticed recently that our kids seem happier. They run around like crazy, playing together, giggling, bouncing off the walls, etc…People have asked, “Did you give them sugar???”  Nope, no sugar…just healthier kids I guess…

Going Home for the Holidays

It’s not far,  just a short walk across the yard from here….

We have now been wearing out our welcome at my parents house for a week and a half.  Our whole little family has been crammed into my old bedroom. It’s tiny, I would guess about 8 by 12. Wall to wall beds. Cozy. Only not really…It would be if there weren’t so many darn kids in there. (“You call this a happy family? Why do we have to have all these kids?!” Who knows what this quote is from?)For some reason, I can’t imagine why, Silas has not been sleeping well at all. He thinks he needs to be in bed with me….latched on….all night. This not only makes sleep difficult for me, it naturally, makes healing more difficult too. Good rest being vital to our health and all. I’m noticeably weaker now than when we moved in, and I’m pretty sure it’s because we’re not sleeping so well.

 Still…we are so grateful to have had a refuge while we remediate our house. My parents have been so patient about having all the extra noise in the house. It does get pretty stressful around bedtime trying to keep everyone quiet so my parents can sleep. They go to bed early. And when I say “early”, I mean before my kids go to bed “early”.  They haven’t complained once….at least not to us. And my mom has been doing all our laundry too!!! (Maybe I won’t go back home).

So…what’s the plan from here?  We need to finish vacuuming everything…EVERYTHING…replace all air filters and then hopefully it will be safe to move back home. We’ll be living on bare, OSB floors for awhile, and there’s not much in the house now, but simplifying things is good. It will be much easier to keep the house clean, right?  I’ll just keep telling myself that. Who needs a couch to worry about having to clean under and behind….:) We are so blessed!  We couldn’t ask for anything more than to have eachother and be on the road to health and all that. Richard would disagree,  he wants a bed again….

So, please keep us in your prayers as we head back home, either today or tomorrow. There is still so much work to do, but we’re slowly getting there. It would be great to have some help. There are financial needs too, but God is faithful and he always provides everything we need. My biggest concern right now is whether or not we have gotten the air cleaned up enough for me to be able to get well again. I am hopeful….

Thanks so much to everyone who has been so supportive through all of this!!!! We are so grateful to be surrounded by such loving and caring family and friends….

Let me back up a bit…..The History of Our Mold Drama

For those who have been asking us what’s going on, for others that don’t know all the details, or for anyone who happens upon this, this is the history of where all our mold drama started. I’ve been wanting to write about this for awhile. Partly for my own records, partly because it’s therapeutic to write, and then also for those who are interested in knowing more about our situation. At the risk of sounding like one of “the crazies”, I also want to share this to help inform people of the dangers of toxic mold. We are definitely in the learning stages of things, but I want to share all that we have learned along the way in hopes that this may benefit others in some small way.  So…here we go….From the very beginning….Be warned, this will probably be long-winded…..

Last July, some 16 months ago, we had just returned from a family trip to DC. I was 7 weeks pregnant, and feeling every bit of that. In addition to “morning ” sickness, I had been experiencing a fluttery feeling in my chest, around my heart for a few weeks, but assumed it was some weird pregnancy symptom I had never experienced before. This was our fourth baby, and I thought I had the whole pregnancy thing down, but this one was different. Our stay in DC was tons of fun, but pretty stressful. First off, being in the first trimester is difficult, then you add to that, daily walking all over the city with temperatures over 100, and most likely not drinking nearly enough water, especially for a preggo (I see you shaking your head in disappointment, mom). I was unknowingly pushing myself too hard, weakening my body and immune system. Then of course, when we travel we eat like savages, so I know I ate horrid amounts of junk on our trip, further pushing my body over the edge. I was about to reenter a toxic environment, and was ill prepared.

The night we got home I was feeling even more flutterings in my chest, but after researching this for awhile and feeling pretty confident that I wasn’t having a heart attack , we headed to bed to get some much needed rest after a day of travel. I woke an hour later, completely disoriented, I could not figure out where I was. I felt dizzy, even though I was lying down (try explaining that to a DR), and my heart was racing and pounding away. I was terrified, so I woke Richard. The dizziness continued, so I called my midwife to let her know what was going on. She sent me to the ER. They ran tests, monitored me, but couldn’t see anything abnormal with my heart. We waited….and waited…while they monitored. Then finally my heart took off, with me sitting still, it went from in the 70′s to 150′s bpm. The DR was impressed at this point, so I was admitted to the hospital for further observation. Richard and I spent the next several hours trying to get comfortable on one of those beds that are designed for elderly people. You know the ones that move every 10 seconds to keep you from getting bed sores???  Anyway,  they ran more tests and asked more questions and after many more hours we were nowhere closer to figuring out what was going on. One of the many Dr’s I saw said I probably had just overdone it in DC (she was right at some level), and I needed to rest and take B vitamins. Hmmmm….really?  That’s all??? Knowing what I know now, I find it interesting that none of these doctors asked about the air quality of our home. Do people not realize how vital clean air is for our health???  I sure didn’t back then…. For some reason that issue is passed over in the medical field….

Moving on, this day was the beginning of some of the most difficult weeks of my life. For the next 9 weeks or so, life was hell. My symptoms got worse. I was feeling crazy and completely unstable. I felt this horrible dizzy/foggy/anxious feeling all through the day, and the nights were worse. I was exhausted, but when I laid down to sleep, I started having muscle spasms and panic attack like symptoms. The moment I would begin to drift off to sleep I would jolt awake with the feeling you have when you’re falling. This would go on for hours, making sleep impossible. Every night went this way, and it just kept getting worse. For those nine weeks I averaged 2 hours of sleep each night, and that sleep was fitful. For those of you who have been pregnant, you know how necessary sleep is for our sanity.  Every muscle in my body was incredibly tense, I started having unrelenting migraines, and so many other weird symptoms. Richard at this point started going into work at 2 am, so he could be home in time to care for the kids when they woke, so I could finally get some sleep. Talk about “for better or for worse”…. Of course, this wasn’t best for his health, but being the sweetheart that he is, he carried on, uncomplaining….Also, my brother Matt moved in with us to help care for me. It was an incredible comfort to have another adult in the house. He would stay up till all hours of the night with me, watching old black and white movies, listening to me ramble on.

We saw more doctors (I think we saw around 10 total), and none of them had answers. Finally I was sent to a neurologist because my symptoms seemed to be nerves or brain related. Yikes. I was sure I must have a brain tumor or something. The neurologist wanted me to have an MRI to rule out MS and other possibilities. The results came back fine…Praise God, but still we were nowhere closer to finding out what was wrong….and still no one asked about air quality. I finally found some relief when I started seeing a family friend that is a physical therapist. She did wonders for my muscle tension and made my headaches tolerable, but I still wasn’t doing so well. We all were just assuming that this must just be a pregnancy from…well….you know. The most common “suggestion” for the cause of all this I heard from doctors or my midwives  was “It sounds like panic attacks”.  It did, but having dealt with fear/anxiety my whole life, I knew this was different. I do believe that my fears over the situation were making things worse though. Months went by, I had another “episode” with my heart in November and was once again sent to the ER. We spent two nights in the hospital this time, they ran more tests, took more blood. They did a CT of my lungs to check for blood clots. That was a nightmare. I have so much sympathy now for anyone who has to go through radiation treatment. Not fun.

I could go on and on. Our lives were upside down, but in the middle of all this, when I faced the most intense fears of my life, I had to make a decision….I could trust the Lord with all of this, or give in to the terrors that were trying to take hold. I camped out in the Psalms for months, borrowing Tedd Tripps reading plan for the Psalms (5 a day all through the month). This not only brought sanity to our chaos, but a sweet peace too….that is, when I would fight my fears and put my hope in Christ. One of the worst and most debilitating symptoms at this point (and even now) was this wretched fog I was in. It’s so difficult to describe, but everything was surreal, dream-like. Nothing felt real. I couldn’t distinguish between reality and dreams. I  had the most horrifying dream one night and wept for days because it was so real. I couldn’t wake up from it. Everything in my peripheral was darkening, like I was falling down some sort of hole.  Yeah, like I said, difficult to describe. I could deal with the chronic fatigue, pain, headaches, crazy symptoms at night, etc…but feeling like I was disappearing,  and everything and everyone around me foggy and  unclear, that was too much. I couldn’t care for my family, I couldn’t focus on my kids when they would try and talk to me….blah…. BUT…things were “manageable” (this is what we told ourselves). We were all together and well….sort of.  There was much to be thankful for!  Namely, the little one who was growing inside of me. It still amazes me when I think about all that little guy went through inside of me. I’m so grateful that he is here and so healthy and even seems advanced for his age (I know, I know….all mom’s think their babies are smart ).

Anyway…..I think you’re getting the picture, so I’ll try and wrap this up. We were hopeful that when Si was born, things would get easier….they didn’t, in some ways things got worse.  Maybe it wasn’t the pregnancy afterall.  So, what was going on??? We had been down every road, so we thought. We had looked into every possibility. Pretty much every part of my body had been checked over, from head to toe, so what was the deal???

In the middle of all this, we were also finishing the house we had started building a few years before. We were finally going to be able to buy it!!! Somewhere in this time period my cousin Kriss mentioned that she knew of a family that had been having a huge crisis with mold. Mold??? We looked into it a little, because we knew there was mold in the ancient house we were renting,  but it didn’t quite make sense. At that point, I thought of mold as being more sinus/breathing symptoms only. I had those, but if it were mold, surely symptoms would go away when I was out of that toxic environment. Right??? Wrong. Kriss told me the family, Chris and Andrea Fabry, had a blog (linked below) and I needed to check it out. I put that off for a couple months. That was a mistake….

When we moved into our new house, things got better for me. There was a noticeable difference in my health. Then I had a follow up appointment with my cardiologist. I had consistently had an irregular EKG through all of this, so he wanted to see if it had gotten better after Silas was born. It hadn’t. He ordered a stress test. I failed that, so he ordered another sort of stress test. He wanted to pump some sort of radioactive junk in my blood, but I declined, seeing as I couldn’t touch any humans or nurse my baby for 5 DAYS!!!! I went with the stress echo instead.  Finally!!! some good news!!! This doctor said my heart looked healthy and fine. (They had actually mentioned valve blockage as a possibility!!! ) Phew.

So…we looked into the mold thing again  and it was making more and more sense. But….after many months of living in our new house, we were still sick. I was still weak, foggy, and had sinus issues. The kids had dark circles under their eyes.  We ordered an ERMI test, and the results showed high levels of various kinds of mold. We had cross-contaminated our lovely new house by bringing all of our furniture and clothes with us from the old one. If only we had known  about the issue of cross-contamination , we could have saved ourselves a LOT of trouble, and money, and stress, and….carpet. Anyway, we all know what they say about hindsight. Moving on.

So where are we now in all of this? Mold remediation. Essentially cleaning everything in the house from top to bottom. We had to ditch around 75% of our things, but we noticed a big difference in our health when we did that. Another sign that we were FINALLY moving in the right direction. We finally have an answer! It has been confirmed again and again in other ways. It’s so much easier to fight now that we know what we’re up against!

In closing, I wanted to share a list of symptoms that are common for mold toxicity….just in case someone happens upon this, and you have crazy symptoms that your doctor can’t figure out.

• Body aches (joints, muscle, and sinus)
• Headaches
• Allergies
• Allergic reactions to foods
• Anxiety
• Appetite swings
• Bleeding ear
• Bleeding gums
• Body temperature regulation problems
• Shortness of breath
• Bronchitis
• Charley horses
• Chills
• High cholesterol
• Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
• Abnormal circulation
• Cognitive problems – difficulty assimilating new information; difficulty finding words; difficulty focusing; difficulty thinking or accomplishing other executive functions such as organizing and planning; difficulty with math or handling numbers; difficulty with short-term memory; short-term memory loss
• Constipation
• Coughing
• Abdominal cramping
• Delayed recovery from normal activity
• Depression
• Diarrhea
• Dizziness
• Endometriosis
• Burning, red, or watery eyes
• Fatigue
• Fever
• Fibromyalgia
• Leaky Gut
• Hypoperfusion (decreased blood flow through an organ)
• Inflammation
• Insomnia
• Insulin resistance
• Interstitial Cystitis
• Irritable Bowel Syndrome
• Laryngitis
• Light sensitivity
• Lyme Disease
• Metallic taste in mouth
• Migraines
• Mood swings
• Morning stiffness
• Muscle cramps, jerks, or twitches
• Nausea
• Numbness in the arms, legs, feet, or hands
• Pain – abdominal, arm, back, chest, chronic, cycles, feet, growing, hip, joints, leg, lungs, mistaking cold and hot, sinus, stabbing, vulvar
• Rashes
• Raynaud’s Phenomenon
• Respiratory problems
• Rosacea
• Seizures
• Sensitivity to bright light
• Static shocks
• Sinus congestion
• Sinus infection
• Skin sensitivity
• Sleep apnea
• Sleep disturbance
• Stiffness
• Sweating
• Swelling
• Sore throat
• Tingling
• Burning tongue
• Tremors
• Frequent urination
• Vertigo
• Blurred vision
• Weakness
• Weight gain
• Weight loss
• Wheezing

In addition to this, some of my hair fell out (I can see lots of new growth on my head now), my arms were bald!

(I borrowed this list from Andrea’s site, I recommend looking into this if you are on a similar journey, or just looking for some tips on healthy living)

Anyway, if you made it through my ramblings, thanks!!! I warned you it would be long! I hesitated to do this post because it’s so self-focused, but, thankfully, I took the brunt of our mold exposure, so that unfortunately means writing about myself. As far as the kids and Richard go, their symptoms consisted of suppressed immune systems, rashes, hair loss (I have noticed new growth on Elliotte too), heart palpitations (occasional with Gideon and Eden), new allergies, etc…Thankfully nothing too scary!

Again, thanks for reading!

a sortof new beginning for me….

Earlier today I walked over to our beautiful little farmhouse to check on a few things and do a few small, neglected chores. (yes Richard, I was wearing my mask.) We have been staying with my parents for the last few days while Richard works on pulling up carpet, cleaning, etc. I got really sick again after being in the house while we worked, so we had to flee…But today, i stood and looked around for awhile. What’s left of our furniture was scattered around, books in piles, floors bare, bags, boxes, everything a mess. You would think I would be overwhelmed by this (and believe me, i have been plenty), but somehow, in the midst of this upturned house, I found a new kind of peace, an assurance that God is at work in this, and through this, and he Will bring us to the other side. I felt sure, for the first time, that I will get well again. This has been such a long difficult road, and my fear has continually been, “I’m never going to be well again. I’m never going feel healthy and strong the way I once did” But as i stood there earlier today, I felt sure that one day, though not in my timing, I am going to be well again. We’re going to come to the other side of this trial, and we are going to see God’s faithfulness (we already have so much) in ALL of this. Sixteen months seems a very LONG trial, but it’s nothing in the grand scheme of things. There have been endless amounts of tears and heartache and suffering and stress, but in all of this, we have learned to trust the Lord more than ever, and Richard and I have fallen more in love with our Savior….and each other. God has proven Himself to be loving and patient and kind again and again.
For those who know us, you most likely know what we are going through. But Richard and I have realized recently that we have foolishly kept people in the dark about the extent of how much we are struggling in this battle. Primarily because neither one of us want to be a burden to anyone, and we hate asking for help. Pride is an ugly thing. We have taken on more than we could handle, and have suffered because of it. We now know that this is what the Body of Christ is all about. We NEED each other. And there is NOTHING wrong with asking for help..
We have so much to do to get our house “livable” again, but thankfully, we’re not alone….We have the greatest Helper! That’s all we really need…..

FINALLY….

On the Road

So, to give you a little more detail about our trip….We started this journey off by getting up at 2am so that we could have everything ready to hit the road by 3. We actually did pretty well. I think we were driving out of the driveway at 3:15 with four very excited -and very much in denial about their sleepiness-kids, three definitely exhausted adults, and a loaded down van. We were going to have to make this trip in one day, so an early start was best. As I said before, the drive went smoothly (Thanks to the dvd player for the kids, and caffeine for the adults), and 16 hours later we were pulling up to this….

but before we get lost in Nebraska,  here’s a few from the road.

This would be our handsome chauffeur. I think he must have been on some record-time-making mission or something, cause he wouldn’t allow anyone else behind the wheel. I thought he and my mom might have to duke it out at some point, cause she loves driving, but things stayed peaceful.

The kids watching a movie, staying entertained for the moment.

and this guy is just cute

It was so wonderful to pull up to the farm and see all those beautiful faces.  A year is just too long to go between visits.

Our first morning there we joined the milking crew.  This is Lauren on the walk to the barn. I think she’s showing us the soy bean field across the street.

Milking time became one of our favorite activities on the trip. Gideon and Elliotte went every morning and evening to help and watch and learn. They still, a month later, talk about how much fun this was. and after tasting some good, raw Jersey milk, we all want our own cow now.

Here is Rachel bringing in Dolly Anna to the milking pen.

Something I noticed about our kids, they didn’t seem afraid to be around the cow at all. I thought they would cower in a corner and not want to get too close. I mean, they’re pretty skittish around dogs and cats, but on the contrary, they were all too eager to get close. Sometimes a little too close. Like, walking behind the cows feet in kicking distance.

Rachel teaching Elliotte to milk.

now Gideon’s turn

I like this face. He looks a little disturbed. “What exactly am I doing to this cow?”

Picnic on the porch.

The baby boys hangin’ out.

Josh and Richard sorting through a few years supply of wheat.  I think they filled 25 or 30 5 gallon buckets.

Now for a trip into the big city of Lincoln. We all packed into the 15 passenger van. Cozy.

Lunch at Valentino’s, an Italian buffet.

and just a bit of silliness on the way home. Beautiful girls, eh?

More to come!!!!

About Nebraska

Well, after more years than I’m willing to publicly admit, we finally made the trip our to Crab Orchard, NE to visit my brother and his family. And as an added bonus, there was a new nephew to go and meet.  The trip was LONG (especially long when you’re breaking your back, leaning over your infants carseat to let him nurse so he’ll stop screaming. Was that too much info? ), but not as scary as I expected. I had dreaded and dreaded taking four small kids on a 16 hour road trip, but they all did amazingly well.

It was SO wonderful to pull up to my brother’s little farm house and see all of our precious loved ones. We only see them once a year, and they have all grown a foot since the last time we saw them. My oldest niece Ashlynne looked like a little woman. It brought tears to my eyes when I saw her. It’s just not right that they’re growing up so much and we’re missing it. In the past, I felt I could kick my brother for taking away this sweet family into the “wild west”, and making us miss out on their lives, but now that I’ve been their I understand the appeal. So peaceful. So serene. I didn’t want to come home. The air is cleaner.  The stars are brilliant in the sky at night. I would lay in bed and stair out the window at the night sky while I fell asleep. So beautiful.  Plus, I’ve just always been drawn toward that kind of life. I love farms. I love gardening. I love chickens and cows. Those kids are having the time of their lives our there, EVERY DAY. What a gift! I told them they needed to move back to TN because we miss them so much. They weren’t interested. They’re having way to much fun. And we got to share in this kind of living for a few days. Our kids had an amazing time. They haven’t stopped talking about it. Gideon even rebelliously put his foot down one day when we were back home, he said, “I’m going back to Nebraska right now!”  I guess they’re a bit like me (not the rebellious part, of course, the farm liking part). It was always a dream of mine, when I was little, to live on a farm. The kids ran wild from morning till night, chasing chickens and milking the cow. And they were introduced to their new favorite breakfast. Millet. A new regular at our table.  Not to mention all the fresh raw milk you could want.

I’m going to stop rambling now and share some photos so you can see for yourself.

BUT…not yet.  Maybe tomorrow. I’m tired…

Rainy Days

I never have completely understood why people dislike rainy days so much. People really feel depressed or despondent or discouraged when the weather is “bad”. Maybe it’s because I have a naturally melancholy nature that is more in tune with this weather, but I love rainy days. They are so peaceful. My only real complaint about them is that they make me sleepy, and that’s not a good thing when you have to keep up with four kids and get lots of things accomplished besides. Still…I love rainy weather. It makes me feel like I should be in English countryside, or walking by the shore, or snuggled up with Richard reading together….

On Sunday, it poured all day. The highlight of that day was sitting on the porch reading my bible and sipping  my coffee, listening to the rain. Then I got Richard’s guitar and tried….hopelessly….to play O the Deep Deep Love of Jesus, which if you know the hymn, you’ll know it’s the type that you have to sing as loud as you can. Finally, I surrendered the guitar to my sweet husband, told him the chords, and it took him all of 30 seconds to be able to play it so I could sing with him instead.( Everyone should have a spare Richard around for times like these…just not my Richard).

Anyway…all this to say…I’m feeling more alive again lately. I’m able to enjoy things once again that have been lost in this fog of poor health and well, complete brain fog.  And I’m going to try my best to “suck the marrow out of life”, as Mr. Keating would say.

Right now I’m hearing little feet moving around upstairs. My day has truly begun now….