A few minutes ago, I sat on my bed nursing my young son, holding him so close, trying to savor every bit of that moment; the way his tiny hand wraps tightly around my finger, the way his sleepy eyes look adoringly up into mine, the peacefulness as he drifts off to sleep. I love this part of motherhood. There is nothing that quite compares to a sleeping child in your arms. It is in the heights of sweetness.
I laid Silas in his bed, he curled onto his tummy as usual, and I stood beside him thinking….When did he get so old? Is he really ten and a half months old? Why do these precious moments have to fly by so quickly?
Savoring is more difficult than ever. The way this sickness affects me mentally makes it harder. As I said before, everything is surreal. I feel like I’ve lost the last eighteen months; memories are hazy, everything’s unclear. What makes me ache is knowing how quickly my babies grow up. So much changes in a year and a half. I can kick my feet and flail and scream or weep all I want for the time that I’ve lost, but I can’t get it back. I can’t start it all over, BUT ….I find hope in knowing that every. day. brings a new beginning. Actually, every second of every day. As long as my heart is still beating, there is a chance to live….
Uncharacteristically, I made some New Years resolutions this year. With my healing process begun, I feel like this year is a new beginning for me…and us. So, there are several new goals/desires that I’ve taken on….(Don’t worry, one of them is to not expect too much from myself (especially right now), but to just do my best….
Another one of my “resolutions” is to actually read those books that are on my shelf (the soul-feeding ones), you know, instead of just dusting them every now and then. I’m going to try and read one a month. I realize that doesn’t sound like much, but if you had my brain, you would understand. I started with Ann Voskamp’s One Thousand Gifts. It was the perfect place to begin. (Thanks, Mama, for the book, and all my friends who have recommended it!). In a lot of ways, she has already put what I feel and have felt in the past into words. It makes me wish all the more that I was eloquent, articulate, etc…I just wish I could say two words without stumbling over them….sigh…Anyway, I need a good lesson in thankfulness. Her writing is helping me to see things differently. It is a privilege to care for this little family, in every way…I am telling myself regularly. Especially when doing the mundane, or even gross things, (i.e changing diapers, cleaning floors, wiping noes). What an honor to have four beautiful children and a husband I love more deeply than words can express. There is no room for ingratitude here….
(One of my favorite quotes from the book)
“And yet since we took a bite out of the fruit and tore into our own souls, that drain hole where joy seeps away, God had this wild secretive plan. He means to fill us with glory again. With glory and grace.”
Savor every second today…..and every day….There is much to be grateful for, no matter where we are in life. We just need to open our eyes and see….
Beautiful and heartfelt reflections from a very in-touch mother who is giving her family all she’s got and then some. Your children will learn from you – how to cope when things aren’t perfect, and how to be compassionate – instead of expecting the attention always to be on themselves. Have no regrets: God is at work, forming and forging their little hearts and minds into ones He can fill and use for His glory!